Today was a hard day, an emotionally hard day.
SO, the last couple weeks, I think I have been doing a fantastic job of looking in the mirror and changing the things I did not like. Wiping the slate clean with my King. And really letting myself be in a more positive mindset. (I speak about this in my previous post)
I am extremely proud of myself for how far I have come in just 2 weeks.
Because we are new to town we had to find a new Dr. This is always a stressful thing for me, I really hate the first appointment, it is extremely nerve racking. At least for me it is, all I think is because I am on an anxiety medication he already automatically thinks I abuse it and am just saying I have anxiety so I can get this pill. Which is so far from the case, but it is still what I thinking, along with the other million stupid over obsessive thoughts.
Anyway, I really want to go in there with an open mind, so I clear my head meditate a little and prepare myself for this appointment. I get there, it smells weird, it looks like it is from the 80’s, my nurse only calls me by my last name……so I text my King, I tell him I am still going to have an open mind, we make some jokes about it being straight out of “Stranger Things”, he relaxes me and then I am good, I got this. Thank you, my King!
Dr. comes in and he starts asking me question and I am answering them, I am very direct,I very much know exactly what I need to talk to him about, and with him being a new Dr, I also have to give him a little background. So I am running through it, three surgeries, 4 pregnancies, I have from arthritis and fibromyalgia, I have generalized anxiety disorder, so fill him in, tell him what I take, and then move on to the issue that I really need focused on.
This summer I hurt my shoulder, it does not really hurt anymore, but I am having some numbness in my fingers and pins and needs down my arm, he examines me, does a sensation test on my hands, go walks back over sits down and says…”It would feel better if you lost 30 pounds.”
My heart stopped, literally 50,000 negative thoughts ran through my head in that instant. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, I could feel my breathe getting short, and I just sat there staring at the wall, focusing all my energy on NOT crying, focus on making sure I don’t lose it sitting in the Dr office. I was completely heartbroken.
I have suffered from anorexia and bulimia since I was a teenager, 4 years ago my 17 year old daughter told me she knew what I was doing, I was devastated. I prided myself on the fact that I would make my children feel so love and so beautiful and so amazing that they would never think of hating themselves, or thinking they were ugly in any way. That they are perfect just the way they are. Before her no one ever knew, I was smart about it, I mean as smart as you can be, I never let myself get to skinny, I always make sure…I thought I was smart about it. So this was a time in my life that I looked in the mirror and started changing that about my self, and I did….I stopped, it took a while but I stopped.
I had a really hard time not doing it a few months before our wedding last year, so I had to tell my King, first person I had ever opened up to in my life about this, 39 years old and I never said anything to anyone.
So when the Dr. said that, it was like an instant, right back to where I was before my daughter told me she knew, right back in that mindset, all I thought about on the drive home was how I was going to do it, how I had to be smarter this time, how I had to hide it so well that my King, would never know I was doing it. I had to be so sneaky, so our 14 year old daughter would never pick up on it, my head is spinning, literally spinning out of control on the thoughts of doing this. By the time I got home, that was it, I knew I was doing it. But…..I can not lie to my King, I have never lied to him, I have never given him any reason to not trust me, and I could not do this behind his back. I had to call him, I had to tell him, not only what I was thinking but what the Dr had said, how I was feeling…….He actually called me, and I told him, and as I am telling him all the tears I had been holding in since he said that, for the whole car ride home, just surfaced…..I cried at the thought of letting someone into my head, I cried at the thought of letting down my daughters…..My oldest and my youngest…..I can not give the girls that kind of example. I constantly tell them you are beautiful, you are perfect just the way you are. If I am asking my girls to believe it, I have to believe it.
My King, my sweet, loving, wonderful King…….”Do not listen to that. You are perfect. You are beautiful. I love your body, you are sexy as fuck!”……..I have to believe him, if I want our girls to believe me, I have to believe him. I have to believe that when he sees me he thinks I am beautiful and perfect….JUST THE WAY I AM!
It took me the better part of the day, thinking and giving myself positive reinforcements, talking my self “off the ledge” ….really letting my Kings words soak in, and believing them! I refuse to let myself go back there, to that dark place in my head, to the abusive memories, to the dark dark place of self hate…..I choose to stay in the light….the light of my King, the light of my 7 beautiful children, and the light of my sweet granddaughter. I will stay in their light, I will bask in their light and in their love and NEVER let myself get back in the dark. I will never take 2 steps back.
“I used to fall but now I get back up.” ~ Fear, Blue October
It is good to be queen