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It’s been a min……

It has been a long time since I wrote in here.

And boy oh boy has life changed.

We moved!!!  Finally we are no longer in that tiny apartment.

We made a huge gain in custody with 2 of our weirdos.

We are getting there…..

 

For a long time we have stopped living as Dom/sub……..which is sad but I feel like it was needed.  Gave us both time to get centered and work on very important issues that were in out life.  But I think most it gave us time……time we needed to be able to reflect and see that it is what we want our relationship to be.

I think we spent so much time trying to figure out how it was suppose to be, that it just lost it’s spark.

We just sat last night and only talked a little bit about it, basically that it is what we both want…….

My King asked me last night while we were talking, “What did you like about it?”

I kind of really suck at showing my feelings, talking about my feelings…..I could seriously talk your head off about anything else…..the only way I have ever been able to express my feelings is to write them.

What do I like about it?

I like the feeling of belonging to someone.  I loved reading the pink book, of what I need to do, or just a note about how much he loves me.  I like the feeling of being beneath him.

I want this, I guess we just have to figure out how it works for us.  Not how it works out for everyone else.  We can make this whatever we want!  I am looking forward to growing and developing our relationship.

So here we go….the next Chapter…….

I am excited!

It’s GREAT ti be queen!

 

 

I am an asshole……

And I am not even being sarcastic……I am a huge asshole.

I am probably one of the luckiest ppl on the face of the planet.  I have a husband who fucking adores me, and what do I do…….I take him for granted.

He would literally move mountains for me, and I have gotten so wrapped up in my own head……that I have made him feel like he is no longer important, that I no longer want him, that I no longer adore him.

I fucking adore this man……I mean fucking adore him……The last few month, probably more like 6 months, I have made him feel like shit.

I love this man.  I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, but I have allowed everything to come before him.  EVERYTHING!!!  I am a dick.

What the hell am I doing?!?!?  What the hell am I doing to my sweet, kind, loving husband?!?!  Turning him into a fucking basket case that is what I am doing….

Today, I am changing all that.  Today I am putting my King first, back up on his pedestal, where he belongs!!

Cause honestly I do not give a fuck about anything but this man!!  Everything else is just bullshit.  He is what matters.  I do not give a fuck about bending over backwards for anyone.  Except him!!!

He is the only person in my life that deserves it!!!

He makes me happy, and I do not even show him that anymore.  I am short with him, I am disrespectful to him, and I am def. not submissive to him like I should be.  Yes, I can say it, I have been treating my poor King like shit.  Taking everything out on him, like he did something to me.    He has never done a thing to me except love the hell out of me.

So to my King, my loving King!!!  I am truly sorry!  I am truly sorry I let the world get the best of me!!  I am truly sorry I am an asshole!!  I should be your sweet submissive.

I am, my King!!!  For this very second to the day I take my last breathe, I am your sweet submissive.  I feel so much pain and guilt for the heartache that I have caused you.

You deserve more…..you deserve to have me back the way I was.

I will show you everyday, how much I adore you.  I will show my King everyday that he is the love of my life.

I am sorry I have been the biggest stressed out asshole!!!

All that will be different…..I promise!

Stay Sticky my AMAZING WONDERFUL King!!!

I love you more than you will ever know.  You are my happy.

Please forgive me of my short comings.

Only new better days ahead my, my Love.

I promise!!!

It is FUCKING AMAZING to be queen!!!!

 

A time to Kill…..

There have been times in my life where I feel like I would have been better off dead.

I remember every single one of them.

My childhood….every time my mom beat me, or treated me like shit, I always thought, why am I even here.  Why did she even have me.

when my grandpa molested me…..I wanted to die, I felt dirty….and was made to feel like it was all my fault.  I was 6.

Every time my dad didn’t show up…again why am I here, why did they have me….neither of them wanted me.

When my son went into foster care, (not because I was a bad mom, but because his bio mom was a bad mom)  He had a lot of emotional problems and I had to protect my other children from him harming them, so he went to foaster care for 8 months.  I felt like a failure, like I let him down.  I felt like I was just like my mom.

when I returned from NC, I worked any bottom of the barrel job I could….I spent months and months homeless.  Couch surfing, feeling like I never belonged.  That was 2014.

But I never gave up…..I am nota quitter it is not in me…..every time I would sit and think the world would be better off without me, I thought of my kids, and how their life would be devastated without me.

And you never know what tomorrow will bring…….you never know what the future holds.

Look at me now…..yeah I am still fucked up most of the time, trying my hardest to do it all right and not fuck up my offspring.  But I have 7 of the most amazing children, who are lucky to have me because I am a great mom and I love them more than they will ever know.

And my husband….the best man I have ever known…..better than my grandpa (differnt Grandpa), and that man was my heart, my protector…..he made me feel love.   But not even close to the amount of love my husband has for me.  Does not even hold a candle.  My husband is my heart, he is my protector, he is my love, my best friend and my soul mate.  And I do not deserve someone that great.  cause I hurt him over and over again.  He loves me, but I do not know how to trust love…….everyone that has ever loved me has ended up hurting me.

Maybe I have a fear of getting to close.  My life has been nothing but hurt and disappointment until this point, all the ppl who were suppose to love me has at some point turned their back on me……and now I think maybe I am not loveable…..I feel like I am….I try really hard to be the best mom, the best wife……but everyone around me seems upset with me.  Sad with me.

Everyday I fight my demons….everyday I fight to be better and over come the irrational bull shit in my head.

One day I will get there……one day I hope I will get there.  I feel like I have made great progress over the last year….soul searching for myself.

But maybe it is to much all the time, and ppl just get sick of me fixing it…..fixing myself…..trying to talk it out work it out….I am blunt, I say what is on my mind, never meaning to hurt anyone, but I feel like honesty is the best policy.  But I guess I am too honest sometime.  I need to find a balance…..

Where is the yin and the yang……where is the fucking balance at.

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HELLO!!!!!!  Balance, ARE YOU OUT THERE!!!

 

It’s not you….it’s me…..

4 years ago I was diagnosed with arthritis in my hands neck lower back and hips, and after months and months of pain and test a year ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalga.

I was 34 and 38, my body feels like I am 90.

I do not want to be one of those ppl that run to the dr and get put on every pill that the dr thinks will help.  I have watched to ppl that I love and care about with the same diagnosis, take every pill the dr gave them, they both became addicted, they both took pills all day long and spent most of their days in bed.  One of those ppl passed away 4 years ago.  And the other just sleeps and takes pills.

I can not live like that, cause that is not living.

But I am in the worse pain, everyday it feels like someone beat me with a baseball bat. when I wake up and get out of bed, and put my feet on the floor it feels like I am stepping on a bed of red hot nails.  I can’t stand up straight, the pain in my lower back and hips is in bearable.  The walk from my bedroom to the kitchen…..is nothing but pain….every step is painful.

And it is like that for at least an hour, but I have to stay up and moving, because the second I sit back down and rest, everything freezes again.  And I am back to square one.

I also have severe anxiety, I am also an empath (I feel ppl emotions and all the energy around me, dead or living) I used to take meds for that, Prozac and Kolopin.  But the Prozac took away my sex drive.  It makes me numb to everything.  I do not feel anything.

I love the feeling of not feeling over emotional from feeling everything that everyone around me feels…..that is the best part of Prozac, is it helps filter that out.

And for reasons to be left unsaid I am off the Prozac.

I am trying to manage my pain with diet and exercise.

I am trying to manage my feeling by talking about them.  But everything comes out wrong.

The only way I can express myself is by writing…..and sometimes that even feels wrong.

The weight of the world, the weight of life rest on my shoulders.

How am I ever suppose to figure this out?

This is not a gift….being an empath…..this is a curse…..

It is ruining my life!!!!!!

I hate being sick, and I hate this fucking gift!!!!!!!

 

What a tangled web we weave…….

I am a submissive………what does that mean

To me…..it means..

being His. making Him proud.  making Him happy.

Where am I going wrong, don’t get me wrong, I have a great life, a wonderful husband, and 7 of the most amazing kids on the planet!!!

But I am confused………Where do I go from here???….which way is up???…….

Being Adam’s submissive, is all I want.  How can I keep my head on straight?  From one day to the next, how do I do it 24/7??

Where is the submissive training camp….lol….jk

I know what I am doing, I just want to keep doing it.

Learning to juggle, my personality, being a mom, being a wife, being a submissive, just being me……just figuring that out….who I am……

Who the fuck am I?!?!?!

Well I will try to tell you the best I can….

I am mrs. Adam Gray!

That is it.

That is who I am.

That is all I want to be.

I just want to be His.

I feel like I have spent my whole life looking for the chance to be mrs. Adam Gray.

Cause I believe I was suppose to be His.  That I was suppose to belong to Him.

Well……mrs. Adam Gray……

Get your fucking shit together……get out of your own head……and BE who YOU are!!!!

Be who you want to fucking be, already!!!

Stop wasting your life…..questioning EVERYTHING!!!

Stop worrying about every thing!!

Just give it to him……give it all to him…..follow His lead.

Be a woman…..be a real woman….and just LET GO!!

Just FUCKING let go already!!

And I will……I will let go…..and let Him lead me…….

I do not have all the answers and life is not perfect……

But I know I am right where I want to be…..

with Him.

The love of my life.

The man who owns my heart, soul, and body

I am all His.

And I want to be.

He is my happy.

 

It’s good to be queen!

 

without god….

It is almost impossible to find a blog or info on being a submissive wife, without it all circling around god.

It is either all about submitting because god says that is what wives should do, ot it is the other extreme and it is all BDSM…..Is there a happy medium…..

I am not submissive to my husband because god says I should…..I don’t even believe in god……and even thought the BDSM submission is fun and exciteing it is not what I want either.

I love to submit to my husband because it makes me feel good.  I want to submit to my husband because it makes him feel good, and it is a gift I only give to him.

I am confused right now…..I am submissive I always have been, it is in my nature….it is how I believe women should be to their husbands.  I believe I was born in the wrong Era…..I am an old soul.  I want to serve my husband.

Where is the medium…..where is the center between godly and BDSM???

I am just confused now, I love it….but I want it different.

It’s good to be queen

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I need you to help me…

So all the weirdos…aka our kids, are at their other parents house this weekend.  So we are just hanging out drinking some beers, I am reading blogs.  An he is playing his favorite video game ever Rachet and Clank……OK first let me say, no I do not mind him playing video games.  Because he hardly plays them, they are not his priority, they are few and far between and just for fun…..

Ok with that being said, watching my husband play a video game is hilarious!!  He gets so into it.  Just like one of our kids.  He is like he turns into a12 year old…a swearing beer drinking 12 year old, but yes a 12 year.   So he is playing this game and he stops me from what I am doing and says “hey, Baby I want you to watch this with me……so I do….I am watching a video game….I have no clue what is happening….I have no clue what he is talking about, but I watch.

When it is over I say, ” ok what was the point of me watching that?” Then it dawns on me that there was no point…or that the point was he wanted me watching so I would not be talking….lol…well played my love.

For some reason my King likes when I squeeze his fingernails, umm like press on the nail beds…..he says it feels good and it realives stress.

Do a little while later he says, “Hey baby, I need you to do something…..I need  you to squeeze my fingernails…….I have a big race and it is stressing me out……

A big race???

A big race?!?!  On Rachet and Clank the video game???  I am seriously about to piss myself….this has got to be one of the funniest things he has ever asked me to do.

And, yes of course I did it …..and of course he won the race, cause I guess I am kind of his good luck charm….lol

So then I am thinking “damn, he is always telling me I need to blog more…..So I think, Yeah I am going to blog about our night and how my husband turns into a 12 year old when the power comes on the PS4….

This is the life!!  And it totally beats going out to the bar anyday……plus its cold….BURRRR….I like to be inside in the winter!

it’s fun to be queen!