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We’re not in Kansas anymore….18+

When my King was younger, he had a dream that he was having sex with Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz…..out of a window. So, last Halloween I picked up a sexy Dorothy costume.  And one Saturday, when we were weirdo free….I looked like this….

Well, it was an amazing night, and let’s just say, dreams can come true! Got some great video and photos for the other website.  

So with Halloween upon us again, I went and got some new updates for the costume.  We were going to be out of town Friday, at a hotel, so I figured this was a perfect time to bring out Dorothy again!  We get to the hotel, have dinner, and then my King had this…..

Added the satin gloves and red thigh highs.

Another great night with Dorothy!  

I love that we have fun like this together.  This is how marriage is suppose to be!

It’s good to be Dorothy (queen)!

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#MaintenanceSex  18+

Awhile ago, maybe even a year ago, we had our friends Franco and Madison over for one of our super fun epic dinner date nights.  A few times a year we always try to get together.  Mostly for birthdays, but once in a while we can squeeze in just a not birthday dinner date night.  My King and I always cook for them, we all spend the night getting drunk, and usually Franco or Madison passes out first.  And they always wake up in the morning with a new make over, compliments of me!!  Haha!  Ok anywho, I am getting side tracked.

So during one of these super epic dinner dates, we were all just talking, and the subject of sex comes up…..we are open books with Franco and Madison, they are our only friends that know about our not vanilla life.

So during the conversation, they were telling us they only have sex one or two times a week.  And we were like “da fuck” are you serious?  They said, yeah, anymore than that is just “maintenance sex”.  I have never heard anyone use that term before.  And we died laughing.  We have picked on them every time since then about maintenance sex.

One night, nothing special about this night, just a normal night.  My King and I were having sex, amazing earth shattering sex.  I am not even lying when I say the only quickies that happen in our relationship are in the morning, before my King goes to work….he is in and out.  

So after this everyday mind blowing sex, my King says #MaintenanceSex (we are nerds, and will often use # in everyday talk).  I died laughing, the thought that this crazy romp in the hay, it was technically our maintenance sex.

Not every time but sometimes when we are laying there completely satisfied with each other we say #Dead, which to us is hilarious too, the little things amuse us.

So now #MaintenanceSex is used to describe sex.  I guess I am lucky that what we consider maintenance sex, is what most ppl have on an anniversary.  My King keeps it interesting and funny!!

So, thanks Franco and Madison, for giving us one of the best # ever!!

It’s good to be queen!

Keep moving forward…….

So today is eye opening, I knew I wanted to blog today, I was going to blog about #maintenanceSex.  But, when I started this blog I wanted it to be about my real life.  All of it.  All the ups and all the downs.  I feel like if I do not blog about what is happening in my life today that I am just once again pushing feelings down, which will only take me 2 steps back, and I don’t want that.  I want to be in the light NOT the dark.

I still want to blog about #maintenanceSex, cause it will be a great blog, but today is not the day.

Today, I found out my Aunt Marr passed away…..in January……and no one told me.  I am estranged from my family.  For the most part I do not communicate with any of them, with the exception of my mom (and that is very few and far between).  I didn’t do anything except choose to live my life without being under the constant judgement of my family.  I did what I needed to do for my own sanity, and my own life.  Growing up being constantly emotionally and physically abused really takes a toll on a person.  So, I walked away from it.  And I am a better person for it.

So when I finally heard about my aunt passing away, I was so hurt, so very hurt that no one in my family thought, no matter the circumstance, someone should have reached out to me.

I think for the most part I am a very strong person.  Now.  That was not the case 2 years ago.  It has taken a lot of work, a ton of fucking work.  And even more patience to work through a life of abuse. But I am getting there.  One day at a time, and days like this, one minute at a time.  

2 years ago, today would have settled me way back.  I would of held it all in.  I would have over internalized it, I would have let myself slip back, to feeling worthless.  

Being the mother of 7, I could never imagine hating one of my children so much that I would be ok with them just walking away.  And me not doing everything in my power to make whatever wrong doing I did, right.  I would walk to the ends of the Earth for my weirdos.

I refuse to fall…..I refuse to slip back into feeling worthless.  It’s not easy.  So I called my King, vented and cried to him, and then decided to work through my emotions and move forward.  So I did, I cried, I was sad, and I let it all out.  That day……that is all I am allowing myself.  Because no matter what, I get back up!!  I truly believe as humans we have to feel.  And even on the worst days, it is ok to cry it is ok to be upset, you just can not unpack and live there.  I will never live in that place in my head again where I feel worthless.  Because I am not worthless.

I am a fucking queen!!  Just ask my King!  And I will stay right up on the pedestal, that my King has placed me on.  Go ahead life, try to knock me off if it…..and I will GET BACK UP!!!!  

I will always get back up.

A queen never stays down long.

It’s fucking fabulous to be queen!!

*I started this on October 9, couldn’t finish it that day, because I was picking myself back up.  But I finished it today, cause I can not start a new blog without finishing an old one. #OCD

 

I love her

Hello, my name is Adam.  Martie is my queen.  Something different tonight.  I was sitting in the bath with my wife, just talking, and she asked me if I would write in her blog.  So here we go.  She’s jamming out on her Spotify list in the bath, and I’m going to try not to fuck up her blog!

I’m not really sure what to write about.  I’ve never done anything like this before, so I guess I’ll just write about the strongest feeling I’m having for my queen lately.  PRIDE.  I am just proud that she is mine.  I don’t even know where to start.  She just keeps proving that second chances are absolutely possible.  And they are what you make of them.  She brings out the best in everyone around her.  She makes our kids feel loved.  She makes her friends feel important and special.  She doesn’t settle anymore.  She is confident.  She takes care of her King.  She is patient.  She is beautiful, inside and out.

So, whoever reads this….I hope my first blog was good.  It felt pretty good to brag for a bit about how freaking lucky I am.  It’s good to be King!

Lova you, my queen

Sparky

 

Oh, and also, my wife is sexy as FUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!

Love letters…..

Today I took the time away from housework and Facebook and all the distractions of life, to write my 5 beautiful children love letters from Mom.  I think we sometimes forget how much out of anyone that they need to hear how much we love them.  I tell them everyday how amazing and awesome they are and how much I love them.  But, there is something so special about a love letter.  I am glad my heart tells me to do things like this for my weirdos. Cause they have my heart!

It’s good to be queen!

2 steps back, no thank you….

Today was a hard day, an emotionally hard day.

SO, the last couple weeks, I think I have been doing a fantastic job of looking in the mirror and changing the things I did not like. Wiping the slate clean with my King.  And really letting myself be in a more positive mindset. (I speak about this in my previous post)

I am extremely proud of myself for how far I have come in just 2 weeks.

Because we are new to town we had to find a new Dr.  This is always a stressful thing for me, I really hate the first appointment, it is extremely nerve racking.  At least for me it is, all I think is because I am on an anxiety medication he already automatically thinks I abuse it and am just saying I have anxiety so I can get this pill.  Which is so far from the case, but it is still what I thinking, along with the other million stupid over obsessive thoughts.

Anyway, I really want to go in there with an open mind, so I clear my head meditate a little and prepare myself for this appointment.  I get there, it smells weird, it looks like it is from the 80’s, my nurse only calls me by my last name……so I text my King, I tell him I am still going to have an open mind, we make some jokes about it being straight out of “Stranger Things”, he relaxes me and then I am good, I got this.  Thank you, my King!

Dr. comes in and he starts asking me question and I am answering them, I am very direct,I very much know exactly what I need to talk to him about, and with him being a new Dr, I also have to give him a little background. So I am running through it, three surgeries, 4 pregnancies, I have from arthritis and  fibromyalgia, I have generalized anxiety disorder, so fill him in, tell him what I take, and then move on to the issue that I really need focused on.

This summer I hurt my shoulder, it does not really hurt anymore, but I am having some numbness in my fingers and pins and needs down my arm, he examines me, does a sensation test on my hands, go walks back over sits down and says…”It would feel better if you lost 30 pounds.”

My heart stopped, literally 50,000 negative thoughts ran through my head in that instant. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, I could feel my breathe getting short, and I just sat there staring at the wall, focusing all my energy on NOT crying, focus on making sure I  don’t lose it sitting in the Dr office.  I was completely heartbroken.

I have suffered from anorexia and bulimia since I was a teenager, 4 years ago my 17 year old daughter told me she knew what I was doing, I was devastated. I prided myself on the fact that I would make my children feel so love and so beautiful and so amazing that they would never think of hating themselves, or thinking they were ugly in any way.  That they are perfect just the way they are.  Before her no one ever knew, I was smart about it, I mean as smart as you can be, I never let myself get to skinny, I always make sure…I thought I was smart about it.  So this was a time in my life that I looked in the mirror and started changing that about my self, and I did….I stopped, it took a while but I stopped.

I had a really hard time not doing it a few months before our wedding last year, so I had to tell my King, first person I had ever opened up to in my life about this, 39 years old and I never said anything to anyone.

So when the Dr. said that, it was like an instant, right back to where I was before my daughter told me she knew, right back in that mindset, all I thought about on the drive home was how I was going to do it, how I had to be smarter this time, how I had to hide it so well that my King, would never know I was doing it.  I had to be so sneaky, so our 14 year old daughter would never pick up on it, my head is spinning, literally spinning out of control on the thoughts of doing this.  By the time I got home, that was it, I knew I was doing it.  But…..I can not lie to my King, I have never lied to him, I have never given him any reason to not trust me, and I could not do this behind his back.  I had to call him, I had to tell him, not only what I was thinking  but what the Dr had said, how I was feeling…….He actually called me, and I told him, and as I am telling him all the tears I had been holding in since he said that, for the whole car ride home, just surfaced…..I cried at the thought of letting someone into my head, I cried at the thought of letting down my daughters…..My oldest and my youngest…..I can not give the girls that kind of example.  I constantly tell them you are beautiful, you are perfect just the way you are.  If I am asking my girls to believe it, I have to believe it.

My King, my sweet, loving, wonderful King…….”Do not listen to that.  You are perfect.  You are beautiful.  I love your body, you are sexy as fuck!”……..I have to believe him, if I want our girls to believe me, I have to believe him.  I have to believe that when he sees me he thinks I am beautiful and perfect….JUST THE WAY I AM!

It took me the better part of the day, thinking and giving myself positive reinforcements, talking my self “off the ledge” ….really letting my Kings words soak in, and believing them!  I refuse to let myself go back there, to that dark place in my head, to the abusive memories, to the dark dark place of self hate…..I choose to stay in the light….the light of my King, the light of my 7 beautiful children, and the light of my sweet granddaughter.  I will stay in their light, I will bask in their light and in their love and NEVER let myself get back in the dark.  I will never take 2 steps back.

“I used to fall but now I get back up.” ~ Fear, Blue October

It is good to be queen

 

Know yourself……

I am really glad that I am the type of person that is not afraid to admit when they are wrong (may be a touch pill to swallow, but eventually I swallow it).  I am glad that I am the type of person that can take a look in the mirror, and see the things they do not like and work to change them.  I think we are constantly growing as humans.  I think we are constantly evolving.  We have this amazing ability to be and do anything that we want too!

I have many many times in my life had to reevaluate my attitude, my actions, what I am putting into this world.  The way I see myself, I want to be a good person, a good mom, a good wife, that is it, there are only 9 ppl in the world that I truly love and care about,  first and foremost myself, I mean if I do not have mad love for myself then what am I even doing here.  Second my husband, he is my heart, he is my soul,” whatever our souls are made of, are the same”  I have never been more connected to anyone in my life.  We are one and will remain one for the rest of eternity.  Last but certainly not even close to least, my 7 children, my beautiful, wonderful, amazing weirdos!!  They are the reason I live and breathe, the reason I am constantly growing.  I want to be the BEST mom possible to them, best not perfect!  My kids are amazing, I know all parents say that (well at least I hope they do)  But I mean it when I say they are amazing.  I learn so much from them.  They all have huge hearts each and everyone of them is an old soul.  They are all so different and so the same.  They are my light at the end of the tunnel.  They are my drive in life.  While I am shaping and molding them into amazing human beings, they are equally shaping and molding me into an amazing human being. I would not be who I am without them!  They are the best thing I have ever done with my life!

Don’t get me wrong, there are many ppl that I care for and that I am so blessed that they are in my life, but truly love and care about, that honor is reserved for my King and my weirdos!

I have a great life, my husband works really hard so our kids can have their mom at home.  I am very thankful for that.  For me I can not work outside of the house (I would if I had too, but I don’t have to).  I like being home, I love taking care of my house.  I love taking care of things for my husband and kids, I like the busy work, what most ppl would find a boring life.  I find it very exciting and very satisfying.

I got lost, for the last 8 months, I got lost.  I was at war with myself, which made life so uncomfortable.  I was sad, and upset, confused, and probably less than awesome to live with.  I am thankful my King is patient, very very patient!  For a long time we both were fighting for the same thing, but saying it so differently we were constantly running in circles.  It was exhausting.

Then I just had to say enough is enough, look at myself in the mirror and really SEE what I needed to change.  And just wipe the slate clean, take whatever was bothering me and irritating me and just wipe the slate clean.

And I did!

And I am so glad I did, I am so glad, we just said “Stop!”

So glad we said “we have to get our shit together.”

Life is so much better when you are loving life instead of fighting it.  There is so much more you can enjoy when you are loving your life.

Sometimes you just have to look at yourself, “Be the change, you want to see in the world!”

It’s AMAZING to be queen!!