It’s not you….it’s me…..

4 years ago I was diagnosed with arthritis in my hands neck lower back and hips, and after months and months of pain and test a year ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalga.

I was 34 and 38, my body feels like I am 90.

I do not want to be one of those ppl that run to the dr and get put on every pill that the dr thinks will help.  I have watched to ppl that I love and care about with the same diagnosis, take every pill the dr gave them, they both became addicted, they both took pills all day long and spent most of their days in bed.  One of those ppl passed away 4 years ago.  And the other just sleeps and takes pills.

I can not live like that, cause that is not living.

But I am in the worse pain, everyday it feels like someone beat me with a baseball bat. when I wake up and get out of bed, and put my feet on the floor it feels like I am stepping on a bed of red hot nails.  I can’t stand up straight, the pain in my lower back and hips is in bearable.  The walk from my bedroom to the kitchen…..is nothing but pain….every step is painful.

And it is like that for at least an hour, but I have to stay up and moving, because the second I sit back down and rest, everything freezes again.  And I am back to square one.

I also have severe anxiety, I am also an empath (I feel ppl emotions and all the energy around me, dead or living) I used to take meds for that, Prozac and Kolopin.  But the Prozac took away my sex drive.  It makes me numb to everything.  I do not feel anything.

I love the feeling of not feeling over emotional from feeling everything that everyone around me feels…..that is the best part of Prozac, is it helps filter that out.

And for reasons to be left unsaid I am off the Prozac.

I am trying to manage my pain with diet and exercise.

I am trying to manage my feeling by talking about them.  But everything comes out wrong.

The only way I can express myself is by writing…..and sometimes that even feels wrong.

The weight of the world, the weight of life rest on my shoulders.

How am I ever suppose to figure this out?

This is not a gift….being an empath…..this is a curse…..

It is ruining my life!!!!!!

I hate being sick, and I hate this fucking gift!!!!!!!

 

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