A time to Kill…..

There have been times in my life where I feel like I would have been better off dead.

I remember every single one of them.

My childhood….every time my mom beat me, or treated me like shit, I always thought, why am I even here.  Why did she even have me.

when my grandpa molested me…..I wanted to die, I felt dirty….and was made to feel like it was all my fault.  I was 6.

Every time my dad didn’t show up…again why am I here, why did they have me….neither of them wanted me.

When my son went into foster care, (not because I was a bad mom, but because his bio mom was a bad mom)  He had a lot of emotional problems and I had to protect my other children from him harming them, so he went to foaster care for 8 months.  I felt like a failure, like I let him down.  I felt like I was just like my mom.

when I returned from NC, I worked any bottom of the barrel job I could….I spent months and months homeless.  Couch surfing, feeling like I never belonged.  That was 2014.

But I never gave up…..I am nota quitter it is not in me…..every time I would sit and think the world would be better off without me, I thought of my kids, and how their life would be devastated without me.

And you never know what tomorrow will bring…….you never know what the future holds.

Look at me now…..yeah I am still fucked up most of the time, trying my hardest to do it all right and not fuck up my offspring.  But I have 7 of the most amazing children, who are lucky to have me because I am a great mom and I love them more than they will ever know.

And my husband….the best man I have ever known…..better than my grandpa (differnt Grandpa), and that man was my heart, my protector…..he made me feel love.   But not even close to the amount of love my husband has for me.  Does not even hold a candle.  My husband is my heart, he is my protector, he is my love, my best friend and my soul mate.  And I do not deserve someone that great.  cause I hurt him over and over again.  He loves me, but I do not know how to trust love…….everyone that has ever loved me has ended up hurting me.

Maybe I have a fear of getting to close.  My life has been nothing but hurt and disappointment until this point, all the ppl who were suppose to love me has at some point turned their back on me……and now I think maybe I am not loveable…..I feel like I am….I try really hard to be the best mom, the best wife……but everyone around me seems upset with me.  Sad with me.

Everyday I fight my demons….everyday I fight to be better and over come the irrational bull shit in my head.

One day I will get there……one day I hope I will get there.  I feel like I have made great progress over the last year….soul searching for myself.

But maybe it is to much all the time, and ppl just get sick of me fixing it…..fixing myself…..trying to talk it out work it out….I am blunt, I say what is on my mind, never meaning to hurt anyone, but I feel like honesty is the best policy.  But I guess I am too honest sometime.  I need to find a balance…..

Where is the yin and the yang……where is the fucking balance at.

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HELLO!!!!!!  Balance, ARE YOU OUT THERE!!!

 

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