I am not even sure what to call this writing.
And for once I am not even sure what to say.
My life has been a whirlwind the last 6 days.
And I am having a very hard time handling everything.
I feel like all I have worked so hard to accomplish has taken a backseat to my feelings.
I feel forgotten……
I have the hardest time dealing with the emotion “hate”.
Even if the person hating me is someone I do not care for, it still bothers me, and I can not stand that.
I wish I didn’t care.
I wish it didn’t effect me……but it does….it effects me deep down….way down.
I try to stay as upbeat as I can. But I am so tired of faking my feelings.
I am tired of pretending I am ok, when I am not ok.
And right now I am not ok.
I am being pulled in 8,000 different directions.
I am trying to do my best. I am trying so hard to have it all together.
But I feel like the harder I try, the more I fail.
Why can’t I just let go……I just want to et it all go….why does this haunt me.
I need help……..I just need help.
I don’t want to be told that my feelings are wrong, or that I should not feel.
I know that I am good and kind and nice and big hearted……I can be like that to anyone….except me…..why can’t I be good to me.
Why can’t I be selfish?
The anxiety I have been feeling the last 6 days is non stop…..it has not gone away….it will not leave me alone.
Sometimes I just feel like I need to close myself up….lock all my feelings back down….and throw the fucking key away.
Just let them stay buried.
Because they are to hard for me to deal with alone.
They make me feel guilty for having them when they have nothing to do with my life now.
I am 39, why cant I just say I am not going to feel this way anymore…..why can’t I just leave all this pain and hurt on some curb somewhere.
Why does it follow me, and continue to make me miserable.
I don’t want to fake it the rest of my life.
I just want it gone…all of it….I want it all gone.
How do you fix yourself?
How to you take away the pain and the hurt?
No matter how hard I try, it will not leave me.
Is it because it is all I have ever known?
Is it because in some sick twisted way…..it is my comfort….
Is it because it is all I have ever known…all I have ever been shown.
Self hate……self loathing…….
What about self love…….
Where am I at?
I want to be found.
Somewhere under this mess, under this hurt, under this pain, is the person I long to be.
How do I get to her?
How do I save her……..
I just want help…………..