I have not blogged since just after the wedding….I am not sure what I let happen to me, but here I am sitting at this fork in the road of life…which way to go?
One way, well that is just the same old thing life has always giving me…or I guess I should say, what I have let life give me.
The other way, is the life I want, the life I see myself in. The life that makes me happy.
One way is set on repeat and the same thing will happen over and over.
One way is a life full of happiness and growth and possibilities.
I am choosing the life full of possibilities.
My life has been full of hurt. Mental and physical abuse at every stage in my life. Closing everyone off and pretending that this life did not happen doesn’t work. Lying to myself about my emotions and the demons in my past doesn’t work. I have to face them. Head on. And I have to work through it.
I am just going to out feelings out there…..
I have never felt good enough. I have never been truly loved. That endless I will walk to the end of the earth with you, life shattering love. I have never known loyalty. I have never had someone that was will to stand by my side, and support me no matter what. I have lives my whole life waiting for that unbreakable love….a bond that is forever…. someone to prove that everyone is not the same. Someone who would walk this life with me, and be understanding and loving and just present.
My husband is present, he is supportive he is so loving and willing to be the person who stands by my side. I need him. I have needed him my whole life. He is my rock. And I know as I travel down this road of possibilities, he will be there. Right by my side. Sometimes I feel like I do not deserve him, but I do. I do deserve him. I am kind and loving and good. I am a great person. I have just never had anyone that appreciated me. Until Adam.
I need to learn to love myself as much as my husband loves me. I can no longer be the victim of my past. I can not let my past eat away at my present! I deserve love….I deserve Adam.
On the surface I know what I want….I know who loves me…I know it is Adam.
I need to dig deep, be honest, and say exactly what I want.
I want my husband. I want Adam.
I need to redirect my energy from my past and focus it on my husband and our children.
I love belonging to my husband, he care very good care of his very fragile broken wife. He will be the one who puts me back together. He will be the one who shows me what no one else ever has. And he does. He shows so much love for me.
He is my husband, and I trust him. And I will trust what he thinks is best. He is the only one who wants the best for me.
I have to embrace him. And let him love me. I will let him love me!
I love my King!
It’s good…it’s GREAT to be queen!!!